Perfect Eyesight through Dirty Lenses: The Adventures of Neurotic Nariz and Nincompoop Nala

Having dogs is like having kids: they are fun until they poop. In my case I have two dogs. Nariz and Nala.

Nariz is a one and a half year old Border Collie/who knows what mix. Because of her thin, long whiskers and black beady eyeballs, I'm convinced that the "who knows what" part is a giant rat. Nariz is a very energetic, very smart dog. She knows over 70 commands and phrases. Her favorite pastime is retrieving a tennis ball. She will play and play and play and play. When we first started teaching her "fetch", I was convinced that she was addicted to the rubber chemicals in the ball. She would go through withdrawal symptoms (drooling while staring at that ball) if we didn't throw it at least 8 hours a day. Concerned that we would have to take my dog to a drug rehabilitation center, I did some research about Border Collies. It is reported that they will literally play until they die. So she's not addicted to tennis balls, she's just an adrenaline junkie.

Nala is an 8 month old Golden retriever/Australian Shepard mix. Nala's favorite pastime is sleeping, eating, eating bugs, eating dirt, eating poison ivy, eating Nariz's fur, oh and barking at the doorbell. Nala eats so much that even though she is half Nariz's age she is almost twice her size. She doesn't fit into the category of "obese". She's what I like to call "Woah-bese". So fat all you can say is "woah"

Those are my girls. But sometimes they drive me crazy. Especially when Nala does her "potty dance" in front of the door when she has to go out. Or when Nariz whines because you haven't fulfilled her dream of her dying with a tennis ball in her mouth. My mom used to say, when my siblings and me were driving her crazy, "God what did I do to deserve this?"

Well now I almost understand what she's going through. And I have a few "God questions" myself.

God, can a dog be addicted to food or drugs? Because I think I have a case of both.

God, could a dog dig to China if we let it? Because I'm convinced that Nala is trying to leave us.

God, is it really that fun to chase each other around my table in the backyard? Or do the dogs just like running bare ovals shapes in the middle of yard?

God, do dogs poop for revenge? What did me or my wife's purse ever do to them?
Warning: Real Life Poop Picture!

God, is my dog physically attracted to me? Because every time my wife gets out of the bed, the dog jumps in her spot and then growls at her when my wife says, "Get down."