Dentist = Delightful

As all seven of you may know, my wife recently posted her blog about her experience at the dentist. The unfortunate part about the blog is that she spent the whole time discussing how dreadful the dentist is. Well, I beg to differ. Some of us actually like going to the dentist. For example... me. I like to see the dentist as a good movie. There are plenty of exciting things that happen at the dentist.  Today was my dentist appointment. I was scheduled to get two wisdom teeth pulled.

No. No. Please don't wince and grimace. It was a delightful time.

When I first stepped into the operating room, I must admit I was a little nervous. The nurse lead me to a chair that had about ten long Velcro straps. While  being strapped in, I noticed a full  I.V. bag which the nurse called "the juice" hanging from the ceiling.  Strapped in, my pulse began to race a little when I saw the doctor walk in with a needle as long as my arm.

"You're not one those guys that cries at the sight of a needle are you?"

I lied, "Nope"

Expecting them to jam this needle into my arm, I was surprised when the nurse took the tenth strap and strapped my head to the headrest. In my head I panicked thinking, 'This is lethal injection!'

Then the nurse's gentle voice said, "This is just a little laughing gas. Continue to breath normally."

That's when the movie started. I know, perfect timing right?  The nurse placed the nozzle over my nose as the doctor began rubbing alcohol on my arm.  I felt a slight sting in my arm and the doctor said, "Congrats, you broke my 100th-try streak of finding a vein on the first try."

This movie was great! Not only was the movie hilarious.. I win stuff too!  I laughed out loud smiling at the doctor as he walked over to my other arm with a separate needle.  He turned and looked me in the eyes screaming kind of loud like I was deaf or something. I think there was something wrong with the sound of the movie because he was talking in this slow, really deep voice.
" Aarrreee yoouu stilllll wittthhh uusss?" But I couldn't respond, the evil nurse was standing right behind him with an even bigger needle in her hand. I thought  for sure she was going to stab him with it, but then the screen went blurry.

Note to readers: If you go to a dentist with a movie theater like mine, ask if their projector works.

For the next hour or so I spent the rest of the time wondering how the doctor's  eyes had so many veins. I wondered if one vein got into a fight with another vein because they crowded each other's space.

Apparently, the doctor thought I was a little into the vein fight scene, because I could vaguely hear him in the background saying, "Keep your mouth open, pal. We're almost done. Julie, keep his head still." I was mad that the doctor ruined the movie. What can I say? When I watch fighting movies, I really get into them and pretend to be Jackie Chan. Sorry Julie.

The procedure was over and I was sitting in my chair furious that I didn't get to see the end of the movie. Then my wife walked in. "Haha, You look funny" (read: Honey you are to the most handsome man I've ever seen. )

My response, "How would  like it if someone called YOU ugly?!" (read: Babe, you are extremely beautiful.)

The nurse probably noticed my shocked reaction to her as she helped me out of operating chair to the wheelchair. I couldn't believe she was strong enough to carry me with no struggle or strain. I thought about moving my feet, but what was the point? I enjoyed the ride.

As Julie wheeled me to the car, I noticed the doctor gave my wife my bag of prizes for going to the dentist.
I was really hoping it was a toothbrush or a sticker with a smiling tooth on it. Barely able to contain my excitement, I called to my wife: "Are those my teeth?"

Apparently, the dentist doesn't let adults cash in their teeth to the tooth fairy. Instead, he cashes them in and charges you 200 bucks for it. I think it's for shipping and handling... to  make sure the tooth fairy gets it.

The good news is he gave me two bottles of this "candy for adults".  I took some before I started typing this blog. This things are great!

I love the deenttlopippiupioupppp

Unrelated thoughts of my erratic brain

I've come to grips with my 7 followers compared to my wife's 18. So I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
But before you start reading her blog, maybe you should know how erratic she really is. Here are a few random quotes and scenarios that I've captured in the past week. Enjoy.

"Do you think it's possible to have one armpit smell worse than the other? Because I'm pretty sure my right armpit smells worse than my left."

"The little 12 year old girls watching this show will vote for the little 12 year old singer because I was 12 once."

"This one time at camp I had this crush on a camp counselor. I was 13 and he was 21. I thought he was going to wait for me."

"Eric, from CSI is hot. Don't you think so, honey?"

"This dog is so fat I can barely pick her up. Do you think she looks anorexic?"

"I'm probably going to have to wear a diaper when I'm pregnant. Because I have a really small bladder. And sometimes I pee a little bit already. Just imagine when I'm pregnant."

"Will you smell my armpit? I'm pretty sure it stinks"

"That dog farted and again and it smells like fish. Will you wash that dog's butt?"
**************************
Sometimes she talks in her sleep.. and this is what I wake up to.

"SCARED, SCARED, SCARED, SCARED"

"OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! I THINK I JUST SCARED MYSELF AWAKE!"

"OOOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCHHHH MY EYE!!" (that was me screaming when she punched me in the eye while she was asleep. Funny thing is... she didn't even wake up)


And this one is my all time favorite.

Elizabeth: Will you still love me even if I get to be 300 pounds?
Me: Yes
Elizabeth: What if I only had one arm and one leg?
Me: Yes
Elizabeth: Ooh I have a better idea. What if there was only half of me. So I only had one arm, one leg, half of a face,half of a body, AND I weighed 300 pounds. Then what?
Me: (no comment)

So now that you know a lot more about the true Elizabeth do you want to read her blog? .... Probably ... this game sucks.


-Dirty Lenses

And the winner is...

So about a week ago, my wife told me she was starting a blog. My reaction: smile and avoid eye contact.

Her dream is to be a famous bloggist? blogster? blogger? She wants millions of people to rush home each night to log on to their computers just to read her blog.

So when she told me that she was going to blog, I cracked a smile thinking... "She probably read a whole bunch of blogs and now she feels inspired to spill her guts." Somehow what I was thinking didn't quite match what I said.

"I would soo be a better blogger than you." I don't know what happened. Scientifically speaking, I think men's brains are genetically hardwired to never say what we are really thinking.

A week and six blogs later, here I am, in a competition... with my wife. Trying to win the hearts of people who are bored enough to read my blogs. And for the first time in my life... I am losing to a girl.

At first, I was really confused. I mean really confused. What could be so great about her blog that I don't have? Then I realized, she's cheating. Any real competitor can see the obvious signs.

1. She used a picture. If you noticed the picture on her blog you probably had the same thought others have had while reading: "What is that drop-dead gorgeous girl doing with that ugly guy?" Instantly, you want to read the blog daily to find out what is the sad, yet beautiful story behind why she felt sorry for this man. The truth is that I risked my life to save two dogs from a burning fire in the middle of the night while I had a broken leg. The broken leg was from when I dove in front of a car to save an old lady that was about to get hit. There... mystery over.

2. She is a girl. Through my extensive research as a teacher, I've learned that reading was designed for girls. There are five times as many books in the library for girls than there are boys. ... Ok my statistic may be a little exaggerated, but the idea is still true. Point being, girls read; guys dont. Take a look at all of my followers. All of them are girls. Except for my college friend, Josh. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't even read them. He's just a follower because his wife follows my wife's blog.

3. She is a girl. This point may sound redundant. But let's take a look at it from a different stand point. Women say twice as many words in a day than men do. Of course she's going to get more followers; her vocabulary is inexhaustible! I can't blog because every time I type, "touchdown" and "pizza" come to mind. I have to work to make this sound good, and even then it doesn't make sense.

4. She trash talks. Even while I'm blogging, she asks me questions like: "What are you blogging about?" or "Did you read my blog?" to throw me off. Pizza. (See what I mean?) This is what I call the "guilt trip tactic" . While I'm typing, she asks one of these two questions and I don't answer for fear that I will lose my train of thought. Then, she pretends to be angry, thereby forcing me into a response, touchdown! (sorry.. its a habit) which then throws off my writing.

5. Today, I responded to one of her tricks with "Sorry I'm not a pro blogger/mulitasker like you," and do you how she responds?!!! "Honey you're a great blogger... I think why I'm getting more followers than you is because I read up on how to get more followers. Do you want me to guest blog on your page? How about vice-versa?"

WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? Not only is she messing with my mind... she is sending her reader subliminal messages. This is an excerpt from her blog:

'Hi my name is Elizabeth and I love writing blogs. You should read my blogs because I know where you sleep at night.'

Personally,I think she should be disqualified. Due to a technicality, I am the official winner. You should know, I love my readers! Touchdown. And my readers should love me too because I own knives.


-Dirty Lenses

Cigarettes and Cellphones

Even though there are so many great things money can buy, can you imagine hating money? I'm sure there are thousands of Americans who hate money right now. Why? Because they don't have it, yet, daily they are forced to live off it. My younger brother is in a similar situation. He recently moved here to pursue a new life. To completely start over. However, starting over means finding a new job. In the last 2 weeks, he's had 3 interviews and turned in 15 applications with no job. Hard pressed for money, he decided to donate plasma to earn a little bit of cash.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I happened to glance through the glass and notice that the entire facility was filled with people. Literally, standing room only. Immediately, my mind began to race, 'Is this really a normal thing? People, really do this?' Expecting to wait a while, I popped in my book on cd and tried to read while my brother was inside. Unfortunately, every time I tried to focus on the book, something new about this facility caught my eye. The front entrance creaked every time the door opened, notifying me that there was another intriguing person emerging from the facility. I studied each person as they stepped out. There seemed to be this recurring pattern among the general population. Many appeared to be lower-income citizens who had devoted the entire day to earning their small wage. Many carried a cane and an umbrella in one hand, and a bottle of Gatorade in the other. The regulars (as my brother referred to them) knew that they were going to feel weak and light-headed. Therefore, they brought supplements to maintain their strength and composure as they prepared for their trek home.

There was one pattern struck me as odd as I continued to watch. I probably saw about 40 people step outside of the building, but none of them left. As soon as the door to the front entrance closed, one would reach into his or her pocket to take out cigarette. Many didn't have a cigarette but had no problem bumming one from another person. I kept watching as the same people would walk into the building and then 5 minutes later walk out to smoke. My curiosity made me wonder, 'what is causing these people to smoke so much?' I noticed how many fidgeted with their hands or lighter while pacing back and forth. It was like they were worried about something. But what were they worried about? I thought, 'I guess the needle must be pretty big' Then, I saw the answer.

From the back exit, a tall slender woman with short, matted hair and slightly ripped jeans departed the building. As she walked out, she folded up sixty dollars and carried it as if it were pure gold. Her eyes were bright as tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked like she hadn't received a penny for years. I could feel my own tears well as I read her face. A face that displayed an elongated time of heartache, and restlessness. The joy that was flooding out of her pores seemed to wash away all of her pain into the concrete she walked on.

My eyes left her and went back to the group standing by the front entrance. About half were smoking nervously while the other half was smoking while on their cell phone. As time passed, anger and confusion overwhelmed me. I couldn't help but to wonder: What has driven these people to smoking? Why are they wasting their money? They have cellphones? WHY? They could save so much money by not having cigarettes or cellphones! I watched as the addiction gripped people as they smoked nearly a pack of cigarrettes in an entire hour. I forced myself to understand, that many smoke to cope with life. Many have come to believe that life is un-livable without a cellphone.

I left the facility heartbroken. I really wanted to help but I wasn't sure how. I prayed. And though it was hard for me to grasp that God already knew about each person's situation in that facility, I know He'll always be with them.

Texting: I guess I missed the memo

TEXTING IS TRYING TO CONQUER THE WORLD!! 
In recent years there has been a recent phenomenon called "text messaging" or "texting" for short. Many young people are hip to this new fad, but for those who still own a landline phone let me break it down for you. Texting: communicating with others through a message that is typed on you cellular phones (that means it has no cords). Sadly, I have become exposed to texting due to the generous help of my  19 year old brother who just moved in with us. Though he is younger than me (and has a slightly lower IQ), I have learned a couple of things about "texting". Since I am a teacher, it my job to educate the world one non-texter at a time. That is why I have been inspired to write a book called "Texting for smart people"  Here is a short excerpt.

-----------------------------

Introduction:
Way back a long 10 years ago there were a group of people, "The Dummies", who created this absurd idea, to send written messages to other people through their cellular phone. The concept was so outlandish that no educated human-being could understand it. So instead of naming this book “Texting for Dummies”  I named it “Text for smart people” … because it already makes sense to the dummies.

Chapter 1
'Rule #1 for texting: Spell as many words incorrectly or with numbers as possible. This is best way to weed about the good texting friends (the ones who love wasting their lives trying to decipher your messages) from the bad texting friends (the one who give up after two words and just call you.) For example this was a message I sent to my younger sister because she was having "boyfriend issues"

Dirty Lenses: I thought you were going to live a drama free lifestyle?
Younger Sister: OHH TRUST M3H i'M TRYiN ,, BHUTT YHU KNO SOM3ON3 iS ALWAYS TRYiN TA ST3AL YOUR HAPPiN3SS ! ,, SOO UMA TRY STiLL ,, iAiNT GOiNA L3TT ANYBODY TAK3 iT 4RM M3H.
55 minutes later… my response.
Dirty Lenses: Nope
I'm not exactly sure if that was the right response or not but I'm a new at this give me a chance.'

Rule #2 Make your texting companion text you as long as possible.  Back in my high school and college days, I had the original texting program... AIM better known as Instant message. This was 10 times worse than texting for one simple reason... YOU COULD LEAVE.  I remember the first time is saw that um.. letter er... phrase... whatever.... BRB (be right back). I was sooo confused. I remember my response was

"huh?"

only to get a response 10 minutes later that said,

"ok im back"

Nowadays, due to the great technological advances "brb" is no longer an option.  If you are texting someone and they say "brb"… they are lying. They don't have "brb" because they can take the phone with them!  Therefore your goal is to make them respond.  This point was made well by my younger brother. We were sitting at the dinner table yesterday and he texted his girlfriend with
"Eye Have 2 eeet dinnah now …BRB"   That’s gibbererish… I mean “text talk” for  “I have to eat dinner now… Be right back.  However, 10 minutes later he’s still texting. Which brings me to my next point
Rule #3 Be as rude as possible to actual human interaction. Absolutely never look up from your phone and respond to a question!… That makes people think your listening.  It is never rude to text at the dinner table especially if your talking to someone important. Unfortunately for my brother,  he hasn't mastered the art of eating with one hand and texting with the other because it took him two hours to eat his food. '
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While I hope you have been given new insight on the wide world of texting, I know there is still one question you are dying to ask.  Why can a person just call people on a device made for texting.  My answer is unfortunately talking on the phone is too personal. When you hear someone's voice that’s way too intimidating. Think about how many people actually call up the person that they are about to dump. The fact is  people are afraid of people.  Deal with it.



- Dirty Lenses

Christianity is Boring

Warning: This post may cause hyperventilation, nausea, or controversy. Readers, Be advised.

Last Night, I was up watching the late night news, and they were showing a segment called, "Faith Matters". I think the producers or writers (or whoever the guy is that makes the titles) was a little confused. Because the segment was about atheists. According to my knowledge, atheists, they don't believe in any god. Therefore they don't have a faith.  ???  So I'm calling it (edit) : Faith Matters, if you have one.

In this segment, they were interviewing a prominent leader of the atheist movement along with some of his followers. They claim that anyone of faith is imposing on the rights of those who don't have a faith. The leader goes around "de-baptizting" people from a faith they never believed in. While being "de-baptized", the believers in non-belief try to blaspheme any religion that they were ever exposed to. One woman states, with a huge grin on her face, after being de-baptized,  "The difference between us and believers is that we know how to have fun with what we believe, while believers take everything seriously."

Note: I am a Christian. Therefore everything I state will be from a Christian standpoint.

Ok, seriously?? If there is anybody who knows how to have fun, it is us Christians. This reminds me of my years attending a Christian college. It was sophomore year to be exact. The campus had scheduled a blackout to repair a power glitch. Now, think about how much fun a bunch of Christian college students could have during a blackout...I'll spare you the details.

I digress. The question I have is this: Who's says seriousness and fun have to be mutually exclusive? It is very possible to have fun and be serious at the same time. How many of you go to work all the time and have fun? Okay bad rhetorical question. But do you see what I mean?... Okay another bad rhetorical question. Let's try again.  Have you ever played on a sports team? (If not, just pretend. It's the best I can do right now!) The whole goal of the team is to win the game. So, you work really hard  in practice to win.  This is also known as being serious. You go out to play the game, and you lose. Most people will still come away from the sport saying they had fun playing the game.

In all honesty, I have never felt pressure to be serious in my faith. But, I do believe in right and wrong. And if atheists are being honest with themselves,even they believe in a moral code. Every man acts upon what is right or wrong. I believe that God is the creator of that moral code. Therefore, I act on what He has commanded mankind to do. I also call that moral code: His commandments. Just like I were on sport team, I'm going to work as hard as I can to live the life God has called me to. In some people's perspective that is called "being serious." On the other hand, God gives us free will to make our own decisions, to live life, to have fun. Daily I enjoy my life with no regrets of being a Christian.

It's unfortunate that people misunderstand Christianity. I can only pray that my lifestyle will lead others to Christ.

-Dirty Lenses

Big Mark's Dyslexic Adventures

Ok. So maybe the blogging world and I got off on the wrong foot. It's not that I hate blogs. I just hate useless ones.  For example, I just read a blog last night. The title was "Last night". In the blog it stated something like, "Last night, my friends and I went to hang out at movie theater down the street from my house. OMG! I love my friends."  . First off, that was not a blog post. That was a tweet (also know as useless ramblings that 90% of  America's population doesn't care about). Secondly, why did I waste my time? I hate when blogs lure you in with creative titles like, "All the Cool Titles were Taken"  or "Big Mark's Dyslexic Adventures". Then, when  you read the blog, the blogger writes in detail about how he spent 20 minutes helping his grandma find her dentures.

So here's my promise blogging world!  "I, Dirty Lenses, promise never to post boring, uselessness, and nothingness, and randomness... Ok I think you get the point.

The title Perfect Eyesight through Dirty Lenses was inspired by...well... me. As stated in the previous blog, I'm very observant. And sometimes I see things that many don't see. Those random actions by other people make life interesting (I told you I was bored). After watching them,  I begin to think and try to understand that person through my own lenses, which indeed are dirty. I never claimed to be perfect... just observant. When I think I have the person figured out, I post my ideas on here. On this blog you might see, my ideas about the government, pop culture, married life, teaching, and religion. All of which, are things I spend my time thinking about. Therefore you get to read about it.  If you were looking for the latest inside scoop on Linday Lohan, try People magazine (my wife says they have some good stuff.). Lastly, this blog is intended to make you smile... at times. I'd like to think of myself as the black Dave Barry. So if you think its funny, laugh. If not, humor me.

- Dirty Lenses

Welcome the wide world of blogging

Throughout the last 4 years or so I have noticed that more and more people have followed the dreadful trend of blogging. Daily, there are more and more causalities to this painfully ridiculous trend. But what do you expect? Its a trend. Just like... Lady Gaga's legless unitards or Justin Beiber's comb-over.(Neither of which have I participated in.) You see my friends, I don't follow trends. I am trendsetter. Go ahead laugh if you may. But there was this one time in high school when everybody on my track team wanted to dye their hair gold like sisqo (from the group "Dru Hill) except me. The next day, after having a hair dying party at my friend Howard's house the night before, nearly the entire team came to school with gold hair.Unfortunately for them all the girls hated it. So for a week, I was almost the most popular guy in school because I set the trend... kind of.

So the question is "Why, Mr. Dirty Lenses, are you creating a blog?" Great question. And for that question I have created a top 10 list called. "Top 10  Reasons why I created a blog"

1. I don't have a face for Youtube. When I used to be a Mass Communications major. My professor said, (in her gentle loving voice) some people aren't meant to be on tv. God just blessed some people with a face for radio.  Quite honestly, I think VLoging is even more ridiculous than blogging.  I mean if I'm going to humiliate myself for the public, I'm not going to walk around with a camera pointed at my face talking to a bunch of people I can't see. This is why Steve from "Blues Clues" went crazy and quit the show. Talking to imaginary friends is not good for the psyche.
2. People are bored. Why do you think Facebook, Youtube and blogging was born? To cure America's boredom. Even before Facebook and other boredom killers, there were the tv shows "The Real World"  and "Survivor". Now I'm not going to lie, I'm thoroughly interested in watching people argue over why Jason's deceitful ways are causing an uproar in the Real World House... but only when I'm bored. Which brings me to point #3.
3. I'm bored. It's odd that boredom has driven me to blogging. But it has. Most people would say that they have tons of ideas that they are just waiting to spill to blogging community. Well I have that too. But mostly I'm bored. I guess that's the life of a teacher during the summer. 
4. I lied. I guess I really do have lots of ideas that I'm just waiting to spill. My wife says I'm very observant. She says I'm more observant than a woman. (I probably shouldn't have put that on the post.) Point being. I love to watch people's weird quirks then I wonder how they got that way. Not in a bad way. I just like to figure people out.
5. I lied again.  I don't really have 10 reasons only 4. More like I had 10 reasons then I got bored. 

-Dirty Lenses