And the winner is...

So about a week ago, my wife told me she was starting a blog. My reaction: smile and avoid eye contact.

Her dream is to be a famous bloggist? blogster? blogger? She wants millions of people to rush home each night to log on to their computers just to read her blog.

So when she told me that she was going to blog, I cracked a smile thinking... "She probably read a whole bunch of blogs and now she feels inspired to spill her guts." Somehow what I was thinking didn't quite match what I said.

"I would soo be a better blogger than you." I don't know what happened. Scientifically speaking, I think men's brains are genetically hardwired to never say what we are really thinking.

A week and six blogs later, here I am, in a competition... with my wife. Trying to win the hearts of people who are bored enough to read my blogs. And for the first time in my life... I am losing to a girl.

At first, I was really confused. I mean really confused. What could be so great about her blog that I don't have? Then I realized, she's cheating. Any real competitor can see the obvious signs.

1. She used a picture. If you noticed the picture on her blog you probably had the same thought others have had while reading: "What is that drop-dead gorgeous girl doing with that ugly guy?" Instantly, you want to read the blog daily to find out what is the sad, yet beautiful story behind why she felt sorry for this man. The truth is that I risked my life to save two dogs from a burning fire in the middle of the night while I had a broken leg. The broken leg was from when I dove in front of a car to save an old lady that was about to get hit. There... mystery over.

2. She is a girl. Through my extensive research as a teacher, I've learned that reading was designed for girls. There are five times as many books in the library for girls than there are boys. ... Ok my statistic may be a little exaggerated, but the idea is still true. Point being, girls read; guys dont. Take a look at all of my followers. All of them are girls. Except for my college friend, Josh. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't even read them. He's just a follower because his wife follows my wife's blog.

3. She is a girl. This point may sound redundant. But let's take a look at it from a different stand point. Women say twice as many words in a day than men do. Of course she's going to get more followers; her vocabulary is inexhaustible! I can't blog because every time I type, "touchdown" and "pizza" come to mind. I have to work to make this sound good, and even then it doesn't make sense.

4. She trash talks. Even while I'm blogging, she asks me questions like: "What are you blogging about?" or "Did you read my blog?" to throw me off. Pizza. (See what I mean?) This is what I call the "guilt trip tactic" . While I'm typing, she asks one of these two questions and I don't answer for fear that I will lose my train of thought. Then, she pretends to be angry, thereby forcing me into a response, touchdown! (sorry.. its a habit) which then throws off my writing.

5. Today, I responded to one of her tricks with "Sorry I'm not a pro blogger/mulitasker like you," and do you how she responds?!!! "Honey you're a great blogger... I think why I'm getting more followers than you is because I read up on how to get more followers. Do you want me to guest blog on your page? How about vice-versa?"

WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? Not only is she messing with my mind... she is sending her reader subliminal messages. This is an excerpt from her blog:

'Hi my name is Elizabeth and I love writing blogs. You should read my blogs because I know where you sleep at night.'

Personally,I think she should be disqualified. Due to a technicality, I am the official winner. You should know, I love my readers! Touchdown. And my readers should love me too because I own knives.


-Dirty Lenses