Texting: I guess I missed the memo

TEXTING IS TRYING TO CONQUER THE WORLD!! 
In recent years there has been a recent phenomenon called "text messaging" or "texting" for short. Many young people are hip to this new fad, but for those who still own a landline phone let me break it down for you. Texting: communicating with others through a message that is typed on you cellular phones (that means it has no cords). Sadly, I have become exposed to texting due to the generous help of my  19 year old brother who just moved in with us. Though he is younger than me (and has a slightly lower IQ), I have learned a couple of things about "texting". Since I am a teacher, it my job to educate the world one non-texter at a time. That is why I have been inspired to write a book called "Texting for smart people"  Here is a short excerpt.

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Introduction:
Way back a long 10 years ago there were a group of people, "The Dummies", who created this absurd idea, to send written messages to other people through their cellular phone. The concept was so outlandish that no educated human-being could understand it. So instead of naming this book “Texting for Dummies”  I named it “Text for smart people” … because it already makes sense to the dummies.

Chapter 1
'Rule #1 for texting: Spell as many words incorrectly or with numbers as possible. This is best way to weed about the good texting friends (the ones who love wasting their lives trying to decipher your messages) from the bad texting friends (the one who give up after two words and just call you.) For example this was a message I sent to my younger sister because she was having "boyfriend issues"

Dirty Lenses: I thought you were going to live a drama free lifestyle?
Younger Sister: OHH TRUST M3H i'M TRYiN ,, BHUTT YHU KNO SOM3ON3 iS ALWAYS TRYiN TA ST3AL YOUR HAPPiN3SS ! ,, SOO UMA TRY STiLL ,, iAiNT GOiNA L3TT ANYBODY TAK3 iT 4RM M3H.
55 minutes later… my response.
Dirty Lenses: Nope
I'm not exactly sure if that was the right response or not but I'm a new at this give me a chance.'

Rule #2 Make your texting companion text you as long as possible.  Back in my high school and college days, I had the original texting program... AIM better known as Instant message. This was 10 times worse than texting for one simple reason... YOU COULD LEAVE.  I remember the first time is saw that um.. letter er... phrase... whatever.... BRB (be right back). I was sooo confused. I remember my response was

"huh?"

only to get a response 10 minutes later that said,

"ok im back"

Nowadays, due to the great technological advances "brb" is no longer an option.  If you are texting someone and they say "brb"… they are lying. They don't have "brb" because they can take the phone with them!  Therefore your goal is to make them respond.  This point was made well by my younger brother. We were sitting at the dinner table yesterday and he texted his girlfriend with
"Eye Have 2 eeet dinnah now …BRB"   That’s gibbererish… I mean “text talk” for  “I have to eat dinner now… Be right back.  However, 10 minutes later he’s still texting. Which brings me to my next point
Rule #3 Be as rude as possible to actual human interaction. Absolutely never look up from your phone and respond to a question!… That makes people think your listening.  It is never rude to text at the dinner table especially if your talking to someone important. Unfortunately for my brother,  he hasn't mastered the art of eating with one hand and texting with the other because it took him two hours to eat his food. '
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While I hope you have been given new insight on the wide world of texting, I know there is still one question you are dying to ask.  Why can a person just call people on a device made for texting.  My answer is unfortunately talking on the phone is too personal. When you hear someone's voice that’s way too intimidating. Think about how many people actually call up the person that they are about to dump. The fact is  people are afraid of people.  Deal with it.



- Dirty Lenses